12/19/2010

Somber Saturday

Posted Dec 19, 2010 2:24am

Well, I would be lying if I said the house had a lot of optimism today. Walt was sleepy most of the day, although his color looks good he's just tired. We can contribute it to him not sleeping well but I think that's wishful thinking.

I had a minor breakdown today. Since the day we found out that Walt's kidney was failing, I've had this sick feeling in my stomach. It comes and goes but it's there. I left the house today to go to the store by myself and found myself crying like a three-year-old. You know, the kind where you take a bunch of short, rapid breaths in but the exhale lasts forever. Yep, the seriously uncontrollable crying.

Walt is obviously holding water, his eyes are puffy, his ankles are swelling.. it's just obvious that he's overfull of fluid.
He mentioned earlier tonight that he could taste the exhale of ammonia, which was something he tasted when he was on dialysis. Not sure if that's a result of the increased blood values or just that he thinks dialysis is right around the corner. When he told me that we hugged and he comforted me! It really should have been the other way around but he's certainly taking this whole thing much better than I am.

I remember back in 2004 when we were told that Walt would start dialysis treatment and I was devastated. We had driven to the nephrologist office in separate cars because I met him there after work. I felt so alone driving home, but I called my Mom immediately. It's like when you tell your Mom, it makes things more bearable. That feeling, that day feels like just yesterday. I talked to my Mom today, but she didn't talk back.

Today was certainly one of my weaker days, I put on the face for the kids but I could have done a better job. I did a little (very little) Christmas shopping and I just couldn't seem to muster the energy to do much searching or thinking about wrapping etc.. Walt consoled me today which is a little backwards, but he patted my back and said "I've been down this road before, I know what it's like". I can't believe his strength.

Nothing else to report today, we won't have definitive results until Monday afternoon but I'll update with how he's feeling if he doesn't beat me to it.

Hug your loved ones, tell them you love them and don't wait another minute holding on to things you want to tell them.

~Susan